Blah, blah, blah

honestly, I'm not sure what to write about today. I'm not in the best mood ever, things are not going quite the way I'd like at present and I feel just sort of squiggy (not as in Lenny &), just unsettled, not sure what to do with my life, etc. Yesterday I had to go to this seminar in Irvine which is pretty far from where I live, I carpooled with a friend from work but it still took us about an hour to get out there, I hate driving to the OC in rush hour traffic even if you have a carpool lane. the seminar was exactly the same as last year so it wasn't even interesting and of course Monday night I had all of 3 hours of sleep so I was so freakin tired I actually dozed off at the beginning of the thing. hopefully no one noticed, I don't know, whatever. then when we had to do a brainstorming session about how to raise your loan portfolios by at least 20 percent, I suggested using training on products as an option, having one staff member in your dept learn about the product and present to rest of dept staff at staff mtg because if you teach something you remember it so much better and it would make it interesting for everyone. and one of our managers who went says to me, "so you want us to do your job for you now?", wtf, it's her job to coach her employees, not mine, I train them on the products but it doesn't stick unless it's reinforced, stupid &^*&^%, so I said, "I can train them on everything in the world and unless their being coached in their depts which I know they are not, it won't stick anyway" and she didn't say anything to that. why am I doing this job, I mean, they dont' get what I do anyway, they don't see the value, they think throwing training at everything will fix it but the problems mostly come down to poor morale in many depts, lack of coaching/support by leads and managers, no feedback, etc, but somehow it's my fault. I need to find a job that actually feeds my soul instead of slowly sucking it away. any suggestions?
and of course on the personal front, no better there, found out my guy friend is looking pretty much everywhere in the world for work (seriously, Africa, Singapore, etc), so even if he finds work there's as good a chance that it will be someplace insanely far away as that it will be here in LA, or he may still have to move to North Carolina or somewhere equally hideous (and I've been to NC, so I know whereof I speak). I think I am going to have to step back from this because I see it ending badly for me, I really don't want to get hurt anymore than I have to, I am already sad, already miss him, and I dont' think it's going to work out. I hope I'm wrong, but I have to prepare for being right. I need a whole new life right about now...