Chaos

not sure if that really sums it up but close enough I guess. haven't blogged for a while because I really haven't had time and also wasn't sure what to blog about since everything is always in upheaval it seems. anyway
so the guy I was seeing (notice the past tense), yes, that went up in smoke but I have to say this time I think it was mostly (like 95%) him. I didn't do or say anything incredibly insane or demented, i didn't let my normal issues get in the way of me dating and getting to know him. but like Blu said, things don't always end up well and I wasn't going to get my heart involved until I knew whether or not it was a good idea. so we had a date set for a Friday and that week he went to a concert with a "friend" from work. I didn't ask if it was a guy or girl friend because I didnt' care, I figured I could trust him or I'd find out I couldn't but I'm not the jealous type. and then after the concert I noticed his behavior wasn't quite normal. he didn't email as often and they weren't as playful and affectionate and he didn't call each night like normal. and when I asked what we were doing on Friday he said we'd discuss it later. but I thought, I'm not going to get all crazy paranoid as I might normally do so I didn't. and then Thursday night we were talking on the phone and he was like, there's something we need to talk about. and he told me he had sort of met someone else (concert girl) and felt like they had this connection, very intimate, that he hadn't felt with me but he was confused (WTF is wrong with men, why are they so easily confused, can anyone answer me that?) becasue with me he felt so happy and peaceful and he hadn't felt that with anyone in a long time, blah blah blah. so I'm listening thinking, there ya go, it never fails, and he asks if I'm mad or upset and I say no, I'm neither, I guess you'll just need to figure out what you are doing and let me know when you do. I was going out of town that Sunday so it would give him time to figure that out. but I told him if he'd slept with her to not bother calling me again, because homey don't play that. he said he hadn't and we basically signed off. but I mean, how do you let yourself trust and get close to someone when things like this happen for no discernable reason? his thing was that because he felt like we hadn't had one of those deep, meaningful, intimate conversations he was lacking something. so I told him (when we spoke again, after he text messaged me) that maybe it would have been better if he had told me he felt that was lacking so I could have told him that I don't just open up to someone that quickly, it takes me time to trust people with the real me, but of course by him going out with someone else all that did was make me trust him less and who knows when I'd feel comfortable opening up to him? seriously, why don't people talk to each other and tell them if something is wrong instead of doing something stupid? so we did see eachother once more for coffee and talked and we both said we'd try dating, knowing he was also going to be dating her but I told him again that if he got to the point of having sex with either of us he'd have to make a choice and he agreed to that but the whole time I'm thinking, if me letting him in was a huge thing to him it's going to take who knows how long now, I just really didn't think it was going to work. and then he was supposed to call me a few days later and didn't and I of course did not call him so that ended up being that. and all because instead of being honest with me he decided to go out with someone else. then when I have trust issues people wonder why? seriously?
I am going to Eugene OR tomorrow for five days, a very mellow 5 day weekend by myself to see if I like the town and area and what the job market looks like and basically just wander around and check it out. I think it will be nice, even just to get away and not have to think about work and (non-existent) love life and everything.
work is insane and stressful and I feel like I am always broke and need to make more money and stop shopping but I don't know how to do that, my boss's 50th birthday was today, we did a big party for her, spent more than $100 total, her anniversary here is next week, bought her a bracelet and earrings for that, also made her a basket for boss's day which was Monday, it's never ending, I swear. I have a baby shower at the end of this month, having dinner tonight with a friend, the trip tomorrow, my friend's birthday on the 29th, Halloween (need a costume and decorations), it's truly never ending.
my dad taught me to shoot a gun when I was 16 years old. he was a marshal at the time and always had guns but he kept them locked in a briefcase, I know we could have gotten into it if we'd really wanted to but we never did, we just knew that they weren't to mess with. so he took me shooting at an indoor range and the first gun I ever shot was a 357 which if you don't know is a hand canon, seriously big and has a really strong recoil. he made me shoot it first with no earplugs because he said if I ever had to shoot it for real he didn't want me to be so startled by how loud it was that I missed. and Jesus, it was freakin loud, my ears were ringing like crazy. but then we shot targets for a while and I did really well, some almost bulleyes and since then I've shot pretty much everything you can think of; shot guns, rifles, all types of hand guns. I'm not afraid of guns at all and actually taught my friend Jen how to shoot my 9mm this year. I also don't think they are toys, I respect what they can do and understand how to clean them and take care of them and that's all thanks to my dad. not only did he teach me to drive, shine my shoes and iron but he taught me how to handle firearms. thanks Dad.