And so it goes...

Update on my personal life: I had to work at SB last night, I was really hoping 36 year old guy wouldn't come in, just not up to seeing him that soon after the big meltdown and of course he's almost always there so it's definitely a risk. I got to work 15 mins before my shift, walk onto the patio and scan it really quickly, not there, good. My manager was out on the patio and looking at me kind of funny, I go inside and order a latte and am talking to another coworker when manager comes in. "How are you?" she asks me, I say I'm fine and she gives me a hug, so I'm thinking, great, he told her something but if she's hugging me at least he didn't make me out to be the bad guy in the scenario. Start work at 7:15, haven't seen him and it's like 9:30 or 10, thinking good, he realized he shouldn't come in tonight, give me some space, I'm on the bar making drinks, look over at the counter and he's standing there, feel like I got lightly punched in the stomach, not that major pain/nausea feeling but still not good. but he always just orders a cup of coffee and goes and puts cream and sugar in it, no need to come to the bar at all, so I just continue making drinks and pretend I didn't see him but I can see him at the condiment bar, looking over every so often at me and then he walks over and stands there and I have to look up, he asks how I am I say fine how are you, fine, yay, we are both fine. then he says "I'm really sorry about the other night, I'm just really unhappy with my life, and I took it out on you" etc. and I say, you know, I didn't intend to cry, I almost never cry, but no one talks to me that way or yells at me, I've never been yelled at like that, and he said yeah, I know, I'm not like that, I don't yell, I'm sorry. and we talk a little more, but I'm working, he goes outside, and then before he leaves he comes to tell me he's going to the Mix, the bar/poolhall, am I coming after work, I shouldn't but I tell him I'll come for one drink. after work I go there, we play pool with another coworker of mine, another regular and my coworkers friend, I have two drinks and stay the whole time, of course, no sleep for Jean yet again. then we sit in my car for a few minutes talking after, he apologizes again, and maybe it's petty of me, but I want him to understand how distressed I was by it, I say I don't know what I did to deserve that, and he says, you didn't do anything to deserve that, I just lost it, I'm so frustrated with my life, work, etc, etc. so we kind of sorted things out, but I can't say we are friends now, I don't trust him and will only hang out with him when we are with the group from now on because there are just some really strong danger signals with him, at one point he was saying how he's ready to give up on his dream of making it in LA, he's ready to move away even tho doing so makes him feel like a loser, but then part of him wonders if he should give it more time, this is what he's telling me, and I say, well maybe you should give it more time and he (not quite yelling but raising his voice) says "I don't want to have this conversation" even tho he's the one who started the convo, I was just replying and I say "you know what, then we don't have to" and he says he should go, he needs to go, and I tell him that's fine, drive safe, he gives me a kiss on the cheek and gets out of the car. obviously there are things he needs/wants to talk about but can't/won't, bringing them up but then yelling that he doesn't want to talk about them is just too freakin' messed up for me, so yeah, I don't hate him but I can't be his friend because I can't handle it, that's just the truth.