Last night

I have to talk about last night, not even sure how to put it all into words, but I’ll try. Just to warn you, this will be a really long post.
After work yesterday I was driving home in the rain, horrible traffic on the 5, like 10 mph, it sucked. I called Patrick to see if he was at SB or going, he was at home but was going to be going over there about then. Wasn’t sure I’d even see him there since he said he had to run an errand an pick something up in Altadena, but I had to go by there anyway to pay for a grinder I had picked up the previous day and not paid for yet. When I got there he was still there sitting outside with a couple of SB employees and another regular guy. So I hung out, got coffee, we (other regular and SB employees) were doing a crossword, whatever. Then Patrick called someone and said he was going to go pickup whatever it was he needed to pickup, did I want to come along for the drive. I was like sure, as long as I don’t have to drive. He was driving a rental car because his car had broken the night before, so we took that and drove to pick up the item, on the way I was quiet, I was just feeling quiet yesterday, kind of introspective, thinking about things, but not sad or mad or anything. He asked at one point what was wrong; I said nothing which was the truth. After we got back I was hanging out inside, he ended up leaving, I didn’t know he had left but no biggee, whatever. Then he calls me and asks can I take him to drop off the rental car that night around 9 at LAX, that’s where he rented it from, his roommate was supposed to take him but he was still working, etc. Because it was him and because the group of us were going to go play pool late anyway I said ok. So I went home and took my shower so I wouldn’t have to this morning since I knew I was going to be up late. Went back and met him at 9, followed him out there in the mist/light rain/fog, dropped off the car, drove all the way back, again not talking much because I wasn’t in the mood to talk. Then we went to the Mix, played pool with the group, and yes, at some point I got annoyed with him, the thing is I was not happy with the whole “let’s be friends” thing, I wanted to talk to him but didn’t know how to go about doing it, for some reason it came to a head for me last night, I’m sitting there thinking, Jesus I’m a complete idiot, why would I put myself out for him, why am I bothering, what is wrong with me, and on top of all that he hadn’t even thanked me for taking him out there, he said something about how when he told his roommate that I was going to take him the guy was like, “oh man, thank you!” and I said, he should be thanking me for taking you and oh, btw, did you even thank me? And he said something like he usually thanks people at the end of the night, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, he knew I was annoyed with him, it really wasn’t a big deal except I did talk to the girls about it, probably shouldn’t have, but whatever, I was a little buzzed and tired, I’m tired all the time now, my own fault but still. So then I still have to take him home, he said he would take a cab, but he had to walk me to my car anyway, so then we’re sitting in the car and I tell him I want to talk about the whole thing, and he’s like, well, why don’t we talk while driving, it’s going to take a while to get there anyway. So I’m driving him home, we are sort of talking, but really I’m not getting to say much, he’s like “I thought this was all sorted out, I haven’t led you on, it’s not like I slept with you after breaking things off”, stuff to that effect, and I was like, I know, that’s not it, and then it gets all wrong and deep and he’s saying how he’s really depressed, has been for years, things suck, he hates LA, hates Eagle Rock, doesn’t want to be having this conversation, but here he is having it, he’s cussing, by now we are outside his place sitting in the car, he’s like hitting the dash, I mean, he’s really angry/sad, I don’t freakin’ know, I seriously can’t even explain how upset he was, he’s telling me, none of this has anything to do with you, but I am trying to focus on getting my sh*t together, I’m trying to say, I know that, I understand, and I do get him to listen for a minute when I say, ok, you are depressed but it seems like when you are around me you are a little more upbeat, a little happier, and why wouldn’t you just go with that? And he was like, that’s just a temporary high, it doesn’t mean anything, it’s like getting drunk, and said something like I don’t really equate myself with alcohol, but mostly I didn’t get to say much, and he just got more and more upset, ranting, yelling, and by then I’m crying, I haven’t cried over anyone since my dad died, I cry over stupid movies and stuff but not over people and he actually made me cry. And I’m sitting there thinking how did this happen, I just wanted to talk to him, I really like him, that’s what I wanted to say and somehow this is what came of it, him yelling, really mad and upset, I think not really at me or not just at me, but I’m the one who instigated this outburst of emotion and I’m not even really sure how. Over and over he’s saying things like “I don’t want to be having this conversation and I’m having to have it” and telling me how he’s been depressed for years, even when he was with the last girlfriend he wanted to marry he wasn’t happy, and the last 5 or 6 years of his 9 year relationship he wasn’t happy and I’m thinking, this is so f’d up, and finally he’s like I don’t want a relationship, we were hanging out and everything was cool, but I’m not willing to try to have it be something else, something like that, and I say well I think you may be f*cking up and he BLOWS UP, I didn’t even mean it the way he apparently took it, I didn’t get to finish, I tried but he was like, well I f*ck everything up, yelling, I’m trying to say something to explain what I meant, that I think we actually had a chance to have something good, something worthwhile, not that it was going to be what makes everything ok for him or for me, but just something worth a chance but he gets out of the car, he’s so pissed off, and then he comes back, I’ve locked the door, he’s trying to open it, I finally get it unlocked, I’m crying again, and he yells at me “and don’t call me when I get into my house”, and I realize he doesn’t know me at all, there is no way in hell I’m calling, ever again, when he’s gone again, since I can’t drive yet, I delete his number from my cell phone, all previous calls both to and from him, this morning I deleted him as a friend on MySpace and the two comments he made, I deleted the partial book he sent me to read, I think I may ask to change stores so I don’t have to see him. If he knew me at all he wouldn’t have worried about me calling, but obviously the women he’s been with previously have been a little different than me, I really wanted this to work out, I was willing to do a lot to try to make it work out, but I won’t let anyone talk to me the way he did, I won’t be screamed at for liking someone, that’s basically what it comes down to, doesn’t it? I mean, I liked him, I was trying to tell him that, I picked a bad time, granted, but still, how does that get me treated like that? I didn’t even get three hours of sleep last night, I’m really sad and I think shell shocked, I can’t even describe how I feel right now, I don’t know how that happened but he certainly doesn’t have to worry, I’m done, he got what he wanted, he’s alone still, he can be unhappy now about his employment issues AND his personal life, I guess that’s what he wanted all along, to be able to wallow in the misery and damn me for caring about him and wanting to see him (and me) happy.
So that’s it, that was my night last night, I’m tired and shouldn’t make any decisions about my life, but f*ck, I have to change things, there’s something wrong with the men in this town, I have to find a place where people know how to live and be happy and work towards futures together and I don’t think that’s going to happen here. I’m so sad right now.