Dating again

Well, the dating machine is ramping up; I have a date tonight and one tomorrow night, both named Brian which is funny. In a way it's good, easier because I don't have to keep their names straight. I also met a guy at a pub in Santa Monica on Saturday; nice guy, 40, bought my girlfriend and I a couple of pints of cider and we exchanged numbers. I noticed he got pretty lit Sat and then he called me yesterday but didn't leave a message. So I called him back and very quickly realized he was drunk as a skunk. Yup, so two days in a row he gets drunk... I don't think so. Ah well, it's good to realize that sooner rather than later. Hopefully one of the dates this week will go well, I'll keep ya all updated. Dating in your 40's- what a crazy adventure :)

And so it goes...

Well, I am single for sure again and although it wasn't as bad as Carrie Bradshaw getting broken up with via post-it, it was close; email. I think that's the bad thing about internet dating; men think it's perfectly ok to do everything via email, including breaking up, even if you've been dating for a fairly long period of time. It's like they think etiquette is a thing of the past, replaced by netiquette, a hybrid that allows such faux pas as this. Be that as it may, all is well, I am not devastated nor do I wish him ill, we are just in different places and I need to find someone who is in the same place I am, ie. wants an exclusive, monogamous adult relationship. C'est la vie.

Weekend

Why is it we're always so tired after the weekend? Maybe it's just that we know we have to go back to work. Maybe it's getting up early after not having to for two days. Maybe we just do too much in the two days off that we couldn't get done during the week. Anyway, I'm tired today, but I kinda know why. I ran around all weekend, barely sat still and then last night I saw Burn After Reading and didn't get home till 11:00. I get up at 6 so that's pretty late for me. But it was a good weekend, Friday I went to happy hour, Saturday I went to Long Beach and had crepes for brunch with my friend Jen and her new live in boyfriend Oliver, then went to the beach and layed out for an hour. Sat night I saw my friend Brendan's band play in my hood with my friend Arlene. Sunday I had lunch with my friend Shannon, did some shopping, went home and made smoothies for breakfast for my dept for today (yummy and healthy btw) then went to the movie at 8:00 with the guy. Ah, the guy. So what's up with that you might ask. And I'd have to tell you I still don't know. Yep, nothing is decided yet, but we have been discussing and who knows, maybe it will all work out. And even if it doesn't, that's still ok, and I've definitely learned some things from this experience, so that's a good thing. I found out that he has this idea in his head that if we are exclusive it's automatically this big relationship; introducing the kids, meeting families, all that crap. So I told him that perhaps he could change his definition of exclusive to simply dating one person, no one owns anyone else, we don't have to go on family vacations, god knows I don't want to subject him to my family at this point. He seemed really surprised by the idea that we could date exclusively without it being this big thing, just taking it one step at a time. Of course he's a guy so I had to spell it out plus I think he has dated a lot of 30 year olds since his divorce who are looking to get married and pop out a kid and that's not me, thank you very much. He is the type who takes some time to process everything so of course he needs to think it over this week. I asked him if it was something he wanted to explore and he said "of course, I love spending time with you and I really like you". He knows I will not see him if he continues seeing other women, I made that very clear this time, but even if we stop dating I think we can stay friends. He's supposed to call this week and I am not calling or emailing in the meantime plus I have a date tonight with someone else. I'd like to just see him but I can't assume anything so emotionally I have moved on a bit. He is a good guy I think, unless he's totally BSing me which is somewhat possible, but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I'm copying Emma too, cuz she's so kool

Ten Things That I Am:

1. Opinionated

2. Impatient

3. Empathetic

4. Loyal

5. Stubborn

6. Outspoken

7. Energetic

8. Friendly

9. Truthful

10. Couragous




Ten Things That I am Not:

1. Dishonest

2. Boring

3. Mysterious

4. Thoughtless

5. Foolish

6. Easy going

7. Religious

8. Obedient

9. Uninterested

10. Perfect

Surgeon's visit

Well I just saw my surgeon yesterday for my one year check up and I am currently NED (no evidence of disease for all you lay people) :) I am going to have my chemo port out next month since everything looks good and I am going to ask my regular doc for a referral to a plastic surgeon to talk about reconstruction. I will probably opt for what is called a Tram Flap or similar. Basically they take fat and other tissue from your stomach to make a new boob. So, not only do you get a new boob, you also get a tummy tuck. How awesome; two boobs and a flat stomach! Yay!

Tonight

I am seeing the guy tonight, he's had a week to decide if he wants to keep seeing me (just me) or if he still wants to date others in which case I'm not going to see him anymore. In the meantime, he emailed me Monday morning at 9 after leaving my house around 7:45 to say he could see me Friday (today). Then he called me yesterday at 8 am (he's usually not even up that early) to finalize plans and called again a little while ago to decide exactly what we are doing. We are hanging out at his house but he asked me "what do you want to do, see a movie, watch Bill Maher, whatever you want to do". I told him we could just watch tv and hang out, that was fine. He said he'll p/u some snacks on his way home for us. My friend's at work think he's going to tell me he wants to just see me. I kind of think the same thing but realize he could still say he isn't ready for that. Either way I'm fine, because I know what I want and that I am not going to settle for less than that. Part of me almost wants the easy way out, which would be him telling me he wants to see other women because then the decision is made for me. If he says he is willing to see just me, part of me will be wondering if he's telling the truth and if I can trust him. Trust is a big deal with me and something I have trouble with. If I find out he's lied later on it's going to really devastate me and I don't want to go thru that. On the other hand, if I don't even take a chance, and just give in to my fear, then I haven't grown and I really want to learn to trust again. So I'm probably going to give it a chance if that's what he wants to do, but of course I'll probably be nauseous for days...

If you say you are going to do something

Then just fucking do it. Because if you don't then I just think you are a liar I don't fucking like liars or want them in my life. Fuck.

Btw...

Regarding LA Ink, I have a friend at work who has a friend who works for LA Ink; apparently casting is pitching my story tomorrow. She's going to call my friend after the meeting and he'll let me know what the verdict was. So I should have more info sometime tomorrow! :) Keep your fingers crossed they pick me!

Sigh...

Why can't things ever go the way you think they are going to go? I know that in the scheme of things this is small, esp considering the whole cancer thing, but still. I was told that he was "all mine" this weekend. Then I get an email yesterday from him, still in AZ on tour, and he says a bunch of crap has come up and he can't see me till Sunday. I haven't seen him since a week ago yesterday and now I get to see him on Sunday. What the hell? Normally I would have just thought, that's it, I'm done, this is BS. I usually don't give men more than two chances and there's already been other stuff, so I would have cut and run. But this time I decided to handle it differently and I called him. When he called me back I told him I didn't want to be demanding and I didn't want to bug him while he's in AZ but that we seem to be seeing less and less of each other and while I did tell him I was low maintenance I am not "no maintenance". He said the side job he's doing piled a bunch of stuff on him that he needs to get done and since he won't be back in town till Friday evening he has to do it this weekend. He also said he really wants to keep this job, which I understand, it's just hard because with that job, plus the tour, plus the kids, there's lots of times we can't see eachother. He said he'd come over on Sunday and spend the whole day with me, we could do whatever I want, he'd stay the night if I want, etc, etc... He did tell me he's glad I told him what I was feeling rather than getting mad and keeping it to myself and then blowing up next time something happened. He said his marriage ended because they didn't communicate. He also told me that I wasn't demanding, I am low maintenance, that I was everything I said I was. Sigh... I can't be mad but this whole relationship thing is SO complicated, especially when we are both older, divorced, kids involved, baggage up the wazzoo. I'm really trying to make it work and not fall into old patterns or habits, but it is difficult. Can anyone suggest something to help me not make myself crazy?