And so it goes...

Update on my personal life: I had to work at SB last night, I was really hoping 36 year old guy wouldn't come in, just not up to seeing him that soon after the big meltdown and of course he's almost always there so it's definitely a risk. I got to work 15 mins before my shift, walk onto the patio and scan it really quickly, not there, good. My manager was out on the patio and looking at me kind of funny, I go inside and order a latte and am talking to another coworker when manager comes in. "How are you?" she asks me, I say I'm fine and she gives me a hug, so I'm thinking, great, he told her something but if she's hugging me at least he didn't make me out to be the bad guy in the scenario. Start work at 7:15, haven't seen him and it's like 9:30 or 10, thinking good, he realized he shouldn't come in tonight, give me some space, I'm on the bar making drinks, look over at the counter and he's standing there, feel like I got lightly punched in the stomach, not that major pain/nausea feeling but still not good. but he always just orders a cup of coffee and goes and puts cream and sugar in it, no need to come to the bar at all, so I just continue making drinks and pretend I didn't see him but I can see him at the condiment bar, looking over every so often at me and then he walks over and stands there and I have to look up, he asks how I am I say fine how are you, fine, yay, we are both fine. then he says "I'm really sorry about the other night, I'm just really unhappy with my life, and I took it out on you" etc. and I say, you know, I didn't intend to cry, I almost never cry, but no one talks to me that way or yells at me, I've never been yelled at like that, and he said yeah, I know, I'm not like that, I don't yell, I'm sorry. and we talk a little more, but I'm working, he goes outside, and then before he leaves he comes to tell me he's going to the Mix, the bar/poolhall, am I coming after work, I shouldn't but I tell him I'll come for one drink. after work I go there, we play pool with another coworker of mine, another regular and my coworkers friend, I have two drinks and stay the whole time, of course, no sleep for Jean yet again. then we sit in my car for a few minutes talking after, he apologizes again, and maybe it's petty of me, but I want him to understand how distressed I was by it, I say I don't know what I did to deserve that, and he says, you didn't do anything to deserve that, I just lost it, I'm so frustrated with my life, work, etc, etc. so we kind of sorted things out, but I can't say we are friends now, I don't trust him and will only hang out with him when we are with the group from now on because there are just some really strong danger signals with him, at one point he was saying how he's ready to give up on his dream of making it in LA, he's ready to move away even tho doing so makes him feel like a loser, but then part of him wonders if he should give it more time, this is what he's telling me, and I say, well maybe you should give it more time and he (not quite yelling but raising his voice) says "I don't want to have this conversation" even tho he's the one who started the convo, I was just replying and I say "you know what, then we don't have to" and he says he should go, he needs to go, and I tell him that's fine, drive safe, he gives me a kiss on the cheek and gets out of the car. obviously there are things he needs/wants to talk about but can't/won't, bringing them up but then yelling that he doesn't want to talk about them is just too freakin' messed up for me, so yeah, I don't hate him but I can't be his friend because I can't handle it, that's just the truth.

Assorted things I'm thinking about

Random things on my mind today:

here at work where I happen to be most of my life it seems, we have so many people that call out everyday. yesterday and Tuesday at least 5-6 people didn't come in each day and this is fairly normal. I don't understand how some people call out so often, I used 1 1/2 sick days last year except for the 3 I used taking care of my mom.

I went to see "thank you for smoking" last night, v. good movie, funny and satirical, my friend Chase and I both liked it a lot. plus it was a nice distraction from all the stupidity of my life and chase is always entertaining. at dinner we were laughing so hard we both almost spit our food all over the place and our stomachs were killing us by the time we were done. fun times.

I read the 'goodbye girl" recently, book based on the movie based on the play, I love the movie, the book was good. I want to join a bookclub at the Glendale library, a friend and I are going to attend one of their discussions and see if we like it.

I feel much better in general today, got some sleep which always helps my state of mind, I have to work at SB tonight, honestly hope he doesn't come in, he s/b smart enough to give it a few days but who knows?

I have a "free" paycheck tomorrow, the third pay period for the month of March, I already paid my rent so I can do pretty much whatever I want with it, nice.

Link

On a more postive note than my earlier post (and I'm still traumatized btw, I feel horrible today), I saw this link on another blog, thought it was pretty cool:

http://www.43things.com/

check it out, it's fun.

Last night

I have to talk about last night, not even sure how to put it all into words, but I’ll try. Just to warn you, this will be a really long post.
After work yesterday I was driving home in the rain, horrible traffic on the 5, like 10 mph, it sucked. I called Patrick to see if he was at SB or going, he was at home but was going to be going over there about then. Wasn’t sure I’d even see him there since he said he had to run an errand an pick something up in Altadena, but I had to go by there anyway to pay for a grinder I had picked up the previous day and not paid for yet. When I got there he was still there sitting outside with a couple of SB employees and another regular guy. So I hung out, got coffee, we (other regular and SB employees) were doing a crossword, whatever. Then Patrick called someone and said he was going to go pickup whatever it was he needed to pickup, did I want to come along for the drive. I was like sure, as long as I don’t have to drive. He was driving a rental car because his car had broken the night before, so we took that and drove to pick up the item, on the way I was quiet, I was just feeling quiet yesterday, kind of introspective, thinking about things, but not sad or mad or anything. He asked at one point what was wrong; I said nothing which was the truth. After we got back I was hanging out inside, he ended up leaving, I didn’t know he had left but no biggee, whatever. Then he calls me and asks can I take him to drop off the rental car that night around 9 at LAX, that’s where he rented it from, his roommate was supposed to take him but he was still working, etc. Because it was him and because the group of us were going to go play pool late anyway I said ok. So I went home and took my shower so I wouldn’t have to this morning since I knew I was going to be up late. Went back and met him at 9, followed him out there in the mist/light rain/fog, dropped off the car, drove all the way back, again not talking much because I wasn’t in the mood to talk. Then we went to the Mix, played pool with the group, and yes, at some point I got annoyed with him, the thing is I was not happy with the whole “let’s be friends” thing, I wanted to talk to him but didn’t know how to go about doing it, for some reason it came to a head for me last night, I’m sitting there thinking, Jesus I’m a complete idiot, why would I put myself out for him, why am I bothering, what is wrong with me, and on top of all that he hadn’t even thanked me for taking him out there, he said something about how when he told his roommate that I was going to take him the guy was like, “oh man, thank you!” and I said, he should be thanking me for taking you and oh, btw, did you even thank me? And he said something like he usually thanks people at the end of the night, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, he knew I was annoyed with him, it really wasn’t a big deal except I did talk to the girls about it, probably shouldn’t have, but whatever, I was a little buzzed and tired, I’m tired all the time now, my own fault but still. So then I still have to take him home, he said he would take a cab, but he had to walk me to my car anyway, so then we’re sitting in the car and I tell him I want to talk about the whole thing, and he’s like, well, why don’t we talk while driving, it’s going to take a while to get there anyway. So I’m driving him home, we are sort of talking, but really I’m not getting to say much, he’s like “I thought this was all sorted out, I haven’t led you on, it’s not like I slept with you after breaking things off”, stuff to that effect, and I was like, I know, that’s not it, and then it gets all wrong and deep and he’s saying how he’s really depressed, has been for years, things suck, he hates LA, hates Eagle Rock, doesn’t want to be having this conversation, but here he is having it, he’s cussing, by now we are outside his place sitting in the car, he’s like hitting the dash, I mean, he’s really angry/sad, I don’t freakin’ know, I seriously can’t even explain how upset he was, he’s telling me, none of this has anything to do with you, but I am trying to focus on getting my sh*t together, I’m trying to say, I know that, I understand, and I do get him to listen for a minute when I say, ok, you are depressed but it seems like when you are around me you are a little more upbeat, a little happier, and why wouldn’t you just go with that? And he was like, that’s just a temporary high, it doesn’t mean anything, it’s like getting drunk, and said something like I don’t really equate myself with alcohol, but mostly I didn’t get to say much, and he just got more and more upset, ranting, yelling, and by then I’m crying, I haven’t cried over anyone since my dad died, I cry over stupid movies and stuff but not over people and he actually made me cry. And I’m sitting there thinking how did this happen, I just wanted to talk to him, I really like him, that’s what I wanted to say and somehow this is what came of it, him yelling, really mad and upset, I think not really at me or not just at me, but I’m the one who instigated this outburst of emotion and I’m not even really sure how. Over and over he’s saying things like “I don’t want to be having this conversation and I’m having to have it” and telling me how he’s been depressed for years, even when he was with the last girlfriend he wanted to marry he wasn’t happy, and the last 5 or 6 years of his 9 year relationship he wasn’t happy and I’m thinking, this is so f’d up, and finally he’s like I don’t want a relationship, we were hanging out and everything was cool, but I’m not willing to try to have it be something else, something like that, and I say well I think you may be f*cking up and he BLOWS UP, I didn’t even mean it the way he apparently took it, I didn’t get to finish, I tried but he was like, well I f*ck everything up, yelling, I’m trying to say something to explain what I meant, that I think we actually had a chance to have something good, something worthwhile, not that it was going to be what makes everything ok for him or for me, but just something worth a chance but he gets out of the car, he’s so pissed off, and then he comes back, I’ve locked the door, he’s trying to open it, I finally get it unlocked, I’m crying again, and he yells at me “and don’t call me when I get into my house”, and I realize he doesn’t know me at all, there is no way in hell I’m calling, ever again, when he’s gone again, since I can’t drive yet, I delete his number from my cell phone, all previous calls both to and from him, this morning I deleted him as a friend on MySpace and the two comments he made, I deleted the partial book he sent me to read, I think I may ask to change stores so I don’t have to see him. If he knew me at all he wouldn’t have worried about me calling, but obviously the women he’s been with previously have been a little different than me, I really wanted this to work out, I was willing to do a lot to try to make it work out, but I won’t let anyone talk to me the way he did, I won’t be screamed at for liking someone, that’s basically what it comes down to, doesn’t it? I mean, I liked him, I was trying to tell him that, I picked a bad time, granted, but still, how does that get me treated like that? I didn’t even get three hours of sleep last night, I’m really sad and I think shell shocked, I can’t even describe how I feel right now, I don’t know how that happened but he certainly doesn’t have to worry, I’m done, he got what he wanted, he’s alone still, he can be unhappy now about his employment issues AND his personal life, I guess that’s what he wanted all along, to be able to wallow in the misery and damn me for caring about him and wanting to see him (and me) happy.
So that’s it, that was my night last night, I’m tired and shouldn’t make any decisions about my life, but f*ck, I have to change things, there’s something wrong with the men in this town, I have to find a place where people know how to live and be happy and work towards futures together and I don’t think that’s going to happen here. I’m so sad right now.

Tuesday, rain and near accidents

OMG, what a day, on the way to work almost rear ended a car in front of me, the street was slick and I didn't realize the cars were actually stopping, thought they were just slowing down, I slid and almost hit him, stopped just in time. freakin adrenaline rush first thing in the morning, what a way to start the day. then on lunch I went to pick up my new contacts, stupid woman decided she needed to turn, swerved into my lane w/out looking and almost sideswiped me, I had to hit the breaks again, honked at her and then when I could pull up next to her I flipped her the bird. I'm a rather aggressive driver and I hate it when people do that and don't even notice that they've almost pushed you off the road, assholes.
On the plus side it definitely seems that my distancing myself slightly from my 36 year old is working as far as getting him to move in again. I wish the games didn't have to be played like this but apparently that's how it works.

The Gig

How exactly do things work, which order do they occur in, what precedes what? Is my love life a mess because of actions I've taken or not taken, because of stuff that occured in chidhood, or just because that's how it is for most people and I'm just caught up in the same things everyone else who is trying to date in 2006 gets caught up in? It's just such a pain in the ass, I swear, men are completely demented I think, the more I date, the more I think this and it's not like it's one age group, I'm dating pretty much all age groups except teenagers and younger and geriatrics, they are all nuts, so what is a girl to do?
Case in point, actually two cases, I was talking to a guy from online, he's in his 40s, from LA (the state) originally, he emailed me after seeing my profile on Myspace, which has a couple of pics you might consider provocative, but really show nothing more naughty than my bare back, we emailed a few times and I gave him my cell number, but when we talked on the phone I realized I wasn't interested in pursuing it any further. Maybe that seems like a snap judgement to some, but I can tell from a phone convo if the person is just completely not right for me and there's really no point in wasting either their or my time. so when he called again I didn't respond back and I got an email on myspace saying something like, "oh, no response, I get it", so I'm thinking good, he gets it, no need to reply but then some stupid, adult, responsible part of me thinks I should be polite and respond to his email, so I just say, very politely, sorry, after talking on the phone I didn't think we were a match, good luck in finding the person who is. And I got the nastiest email in reply, calling me stupid, a slut, old (and I'm much younger than him, so that was pretty funny), a liar, blah, blah, blah. now, my feelings are not actually hurt because his opinion does not matter to me, but really, how on earth do you respond in such a hostile manner to someone politely saying they aren't interested? and obviously I was right about not meeting him, kudos for me, and him telling me I'm stupid, you don't know if you have chemistry with someone until you meet in person, is completely wrong plus his whole diatribe was completely illiterate and I couldn't date someone who is that ignorant anyway.
you may be wondering how I was even talking to him when I like the 36 year old, but I have decided not to put my life on hold while he decides what he's doing, I don't want to date anyone seriously but if someone wants to have coffee or a drink I figure I will be open to that, and he and I agreed we aren't dating right now, so it's not cheating, he would be the first to say I can go out with whoever I want to. the truth of the matter is that if he would just get with it, I really only want to be with him, but he's the one making this difficult and thinking that his having a stable job or not having one means we can or cannot be a couple, so anyway, that's why I was willing to meet the above person for coffee until he turned from Dr Jekyll into Mr Hyde. but of course I'm still seeing the guy, I haven't been calling him, I decided I'm not calling at all anymore, I still see him at SB because if he's not working he's in every day, so it's not like there's no contact, and if he calls, then he calls. I had mentioned I wanted to see a movie last week on Sunday if he wasn't working and right away he said yes, and then he called on Sunday while I was at work and suggested we go to see a band play at the Gig in Hollywood, one of the SB guys plays in a folksy band and they had a gig that night and some of the SB people were going. so we did that instead, but I decided not to be my usualy friendly, touchy feely self with him because I think that being too available and obviously in like with him is not working, so I was a little more aloof and this is what gets me. he had definitely been more distanced from me lately when we are together, even tho he is always up to doing something with me, physically he's more distanced, not touching me, etc, and last night when I distanced myself, he was touching my shoulder again when he talked to me, standing by me when I walked away, helping me with my shots when we went to play pool after the gig. so here's my question: what the hell is wrong with men that they can't just act on their feelings like a normal human being, stop with the freaking games and just be with the person you want to be with and let them know how you feel!!!!! sorry, that wasn't really a question, but I'm so frustrated with the whole thing, I am willing to make a lot of concessions for this person, which I normally won't do, and it's all for naught because he's so caught up in being focused on work that he's unwilling to be open to anything else right now, unless I play the game of disinterest. it's f*cking lame.

If my head explodes, who will clean up the mess?

I have a bad headache that I'm hoping will not morph into a migraine, I just took some excedrin tension headache with a small cup of coffee, hadn't had coffee yet today, that may have been part of the problem. I have to work tonight, if I have a bad headache it will be hell with a capital H.
Yesterday after work (day job, not SB), I went with my friend Jen to buy nuts at this place in Pasadena we heard about, we eat a lot of nuts, they have good fat and fit into the South Beach diet plan but they tend to be expensive unless you eat just peanuts which is not what I want to eat everyday, I like almonds and cashews and all that, so we went to see how much the nuts were and what he carried, they ended up being a little pricey but we still bought some because we were there anyway but I still need to find a place with better prices.
I was supposed to meet a guy at SB yesterday at 6 pm, just meet for coffee, that kind of thing, but then he had to work so I went by to get a green tea lemonade with no syrup and three splendas, which is really good, btw, if you ever want to try it, and of course my sort of guy was there, he was just leaving but came back in with me and then we went to Carl's Jr to eat, he started to put my food on his bill but I went to a different register, if we aren't together then I figure he doesn't need to pay for me, that's not really fair, then after eating took him back to his car, he took off and I stayed at SB and read my book and drank my tea then went home and played around on the pc till bedtime while watching Lost. I wish it was clear whether we are really not together or what the deal is. I'm so tired lately with being sick for weeks and not getting enough rest and then trying to figure out the status of my "relationship" is just too difficult. It was easier when I wasn't even trying to date I think.

Blah, blah, blah

honestly, I'm not sure what to write about today. I'm not in the best mood ever, things are not going quite the way I'd like at present and I feel just sort of squiggy (not as in Lenny &), just unsettled, not sure what to do with my life, etc. Yesterday I had to go to this seminar in Irvine which is pretty far from where I live, I carpooled with a friend from work but it still took us about an hour to get out there, I hate driving to the OC in rush hour traffic even if you have a carpool lane. the seminar was exactly the same as last year so it wasn't even interesting and of course Monday night I had all of 3 hours of sleep so I was so freakin tired I actually dozed off at the beginning of the thing. hopefully no one noticed, I don't know, whatever. then when we had to do a brainstorming session about how to raise your loan portfolios by at least 20 percent, I suggested using training on products as an option, having one staff member in your dept learn about the product and present to rest of dept staff at staff mtg because if you teach something you remember it so much better and it would make it interesting for everyone. and one of our managers who went says to me, "so you want us to do your job for you now?", wtf, it's her job to coach her employees, not mine, I train them on the products but it doesn't stick unless it's reinforced, stupid &^*&^%, so I said, "I can train them on everything in the world and unless their being coached in their depts which I know they are not, it won't stick anyway" and she didn't say anything to that. why am I doing this job, I mean, they dont' get what I do anyway, they don't see the value, they think throwing training at everything will fix it but the problems mostly come down to poor morale in many depts, lack of coaching/support by leads and managers, no feedback, etc, but somehow it's my fault. I need to find a job that actually feeds my soul instead of slowly sucking it away. any suggestions?
and of course on the personal front, no better there, found out my guy friend is looking pretty much everywhere in the world for work (seriously, Africa, Singapore, etc), so even if he finds work there's as good a chance that it will be someplace insanely far away as that it will be here in LA, or he may still have to move to North Carolina or somewhere equally hideous (and I've been to NC, so I know whereof I speak). I think I am going to have to step back from this because I see it ending badly for me, I really don't want to get hurt anymore than I have to, I am already sad, already miss him, and I dont' think it's going to work out. I hope I'm wrong, but I have to prepare for being right. I need a whole new life right about now...

Life or something like it

so, what is going on in my life at present? well, my grandma turned 95 on March 16 and I went to Santa Maria (my hometown) over the weekend to see my mom and go to a little party for grandma on Saturday. can I just say that my family is the definition of dysfunctional? of course I can say it, but really, they are just freakin nuts, I think I'm one of the only semi-sane ones in the bunch and considering I'm fairly crazy that's not sayin much. we go over there and grandma is asleep, which she's almost always asleep now and I mean, she's 95, what do you expect? but my mom goes all cuckoo, gets all pissed off at my uncle and aunt for not having her up when she gets there and I'm like, mom, you need to stop or I'm going to leave, I hate the family drama crap. so I decide to go outside where half the family is, in the backyard and I meet my uncle Bill coming in from there and he's like "hi Jeannie" all high pitched and sing-songy and I'm thinking, jesus, he's freakin drunk as shit, he was totally wasted. so I say, "hi uncle Bill" and he says, "give me a smile" and I'm thinking, I want to go home now, you are totally weirding me out, but I give him a hug and then he smells my hair and says, your hair smells so nice, so my uncle is hugging me, smelling my hair and I'm just beyond creeped out by this point. so I manage to extricate myself and go outside where my other uncle and cousin are sitting and that uncle says, look at this beautiful girl, wow, you're so beautiful, you don't even look like the same person, and I'm thinking, what does that mean? was I that hiddeous before, keeping in mind I lost like 35 lbs last year and he hasn't seen me since the weight loss, but seriously, it's not like I morphed into another person, so now I'm feeling uncomfortable with him and he's obviously drunk also although not as bad as uncle Bill, but still. so I sit outside for a while and eventually we have to go in, they got grandma up, and so we all troop in and eat, and they serve this frozen lasagne, I don't really eat pasta anymore unless it's really good, it's just not worth the carbs but my uncle Bill makes a point of saying he got it specifically for me so I have to have some, it's vegetarian, he knows I don't eat a lot of meat, so we're eating it and my mom says something to me about it, how I don't eat pasta and my other uncle, Dan says so you don't eat meat and you don't eat carbs, what do you eat? I'm like, I eat stuff, like a lot of salads and soup and veggies, seafood, chicken, stuff like that and of course now they think I'm the freak but I'm thinking, look in the mirror people, at least I realized I was a fatty and got off my butt and went to the gym and changed my eating habits and am healthy now, you are all drunk and most of my family is fat, not chubby, not a size 14/16 like I was pre weight loss, but like size 20+ and uncle Bill is diabetic, not supposed to drink but obviously does, the other uncle has an enlarged liver, also not supposed to drink, also ignoring that advice, so I'm not worrying about the fact that I don't eat a lot of stuff they eat, thank you very much. then at one point I'm sitting at the table having my little piece of birthday cake and one scoop of ice cream and both uncles end up smelling my hair, wtf, how on earth is it possible to feel molested at the age of 37 by your two drunk uncles? freaks, I'm telling you. not even going into how they wanted me to read my birthday card to my grandma out loud to everyone which I wasn't about to do esp. since the last time I saw her she didn't know who I was and I wasn't going to be in the middle of reading to her and have her say, who are you again. plus I am just not that mushy kind of person, not my thing.
whew, that was long. anyway, as to the guy I'm seeing who I like A LOT, small problem, he's not getting enough work in the industry, think I mentioned before, and he told me we need to step back from the relationship because he may have to move back to the east coast if he can't get steady work, he's been here for 6 years and it's not happening for him, it's a really hard industry to get into and have steady work and really get anywhere so he's getting kind of depressed, can't blame him but it sucks, I finally meet someone I have a lot in common with, same sarcastic sense of humor, smart, interesting, and he may have to move. so in the meantime, we haven't been spending as much time together but it's not really a break up exactly because for instance, I got back in town late Saturday night and ended up going to SB to hang out for a bit then to a bar we play pool at, we played pool all night, he bought my drinks, I dropped him off at his car and then yesterday I went to a Japanese garden with my friend and out to lunch and then he called me to tell me how a meeting went and said he was going to be at SB later so I called him on my way home and he was like, ok, I'll close out what I'm doing and meet you there, so we hung out there for a couple hours then went to dinner. it's like we are still dating but just less intensely, so I guess that's better than actually breaking up, but I still miss having him stay over. all I can do is hope he starts getting more work so he doesn't have to move away because that will suck major ass.

Being sick blows

I hate being sick, it just sucks, I still have a cold, it's been like two weeks now, I'm never sick this long but I'm sure it has to do with the fact I never get enough rest now so it's lingering and I hate it.
So what's been going on... still seeing the same guy although I didn't see him much for about a week because he was working like 12-15 hour days or something but we talked on the phone at least once a day every day and then last night he didn't have to work so he took a nap and then came to SB since I had to close and hung out till closing then went to the bar where we play pool and I met him there afterwards. So how much sleep did I get last night? Well let's see, I sent to bed at around 2:30 and got up at 6 and inbetween didn't sleep well because I kept having coughing fits. So maybe 3 hours if I was lucky, no wonder I'm still sick but I really wanted to get to spend some time with him since I hadn't really seen him in a week besides having dinner on Saturday and hanging out for about 2 hours. The nice thing is that I rocked at pool last night, I was playing really well, even made an awesome bank shot and sunk the 8 ball, it was beautiful. But I am pretty tired today and I still want to see the guy because it would be nice to have a full evening together, he should call later.
Here's the thing I'm wrestling with. As I mentioned, I really actually like this guy which hasn't happened in a while and I don't want to mess things up. And I think they are going well at the moment but I find myself stressing and freaking out (internally luckily) at the slightest thing. So if I don't hear back from him quickly enough (for me) I honestly think it means something is wrong, it's over, he doesn't like me anymore, he's never going to call again, etc. How demented am I? Really, I drive myself crazy, so far I haven't verbalized any of this and I think he thinks I'm fairly normal but internally I'm a nutcase. What do I do about it? I keep telling myself it's fine and even if it's not it's not like I'm in love yet so it wouldn't be that hard to get over which is all true but I still obsess and I hate it, it's sick and lame girly crap, I don't like feeling like that, plus I know that to have a healthy relationship in the long run I've got to get over my abandonment/trust issues but how do you do that? My friend Kecia told me that my ex ruined me and I told her that wasn't true, he just maimed me but god, I hope I'm right not her. I don't want to obsess over whether he's called or not, whether I'm going to see him or not, whether he's as affectionate as I'd like and what it means... I need help, I'm such a freak.

The perils of dating

So of course I knew I shouldn't have been dating a 21 year old anyway, that was my first mistake and then knowing he thought we were a couple but not considering us that myself was another (since I didn't tell him we weren't) but you know, I've had this way of ending things for a long time that has worked for me but is kind of selfish, when I have lost interest or gotten bored or whatever I just kind of fade away, become unavailable rather than actually breaking things off. Lame and selfish I know and I've been working on it but it's easier, at least on me, and avoids all that unpleastantness that occurs during an actual breakup session. So this time around I decided to do the adult, reponsible thing and actually tell the person I was not going to see them anymore, this being the 21 year old I was seeing for a few months, keep in mind that I haven't seen him in person for more than a month which to me equates to not seeing him anymore but apparently does not say the same thing to him. So he calls me yesterday and we are just talking casually and I think, maybe I won't have to say anything but then he asks when he can see me and I realize I have to tell him now because otherwise I'm stringing him along because I know I don't want to see him anymore and it's not because of the new guy I already knew I didn't want to see him anymore but now I am seeing the new guy who I really like and see potential in which I never did with 21 year old because let's face it, that's not going to work long term, but now there's a real reason not to keep seeing him. So I tell him, well, here's the thing with that, I'm actually seeing someone else, have been for about a week or so and I don't think I should continue to see you or something to that effect. And does he take this well? Hm, no, he doesn't, he gets all pissed and says I'm seeing someone behind his back and I say, how can I be seeing someone behind your back when I haven't seen you in over a month and we hardly ever even talk. And then he says why couldn't I have told him and I have to say, yes, I should have but I'm telling you now and he says something mean about oh, are you f*cking this guy too, and I want to say "too? because I'm not f*cking you at all" but I don't, I just say that I'm dating him, I never said I was doing anything else with him. And he starts to say something else then says, you know what, *uck you then and hangs up. so that went well I think. Now I know why I do it my way instead of the "adult" way everyone has been telling me I should adopt, it sucks, I hurt his feelings and got cussed out for trying to handle it in the adult way with someone who is barely an adult. So no more dating the youngsters I think, I need to stick to men my own age or thereabouts. On the other hand I talked to my 36 year old last night, even when I don't get to see him we talk on the phone every day and hopefully I'll get to see him tonight or tomorrow, he's been working really long days but I'm glad he's working, so it's cool. now if I could just get rid of this damn cold...

Stuff

You Are 56% Evil. You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side. Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination

http://www.blogthings.com/howevilareyouquiz/

I always knew I was evil, now I know the exact percentage, but I think it's a little low honestly. If you want to find out how evil you are, click the link.

I posted a big old blog yesterday and then it disappeared and I don't have the energy to recreate it. Suffice it to say I like a new guy, he's actually age appropriate and likes me too, he doesn't annoy me and is very intelligent (maybe even more intelligent than me?) but there's a chance he may have to move away. So I am hoping for that not to happen and also not to mess things up by getting all weird, clingy, distant on him due to my trust issues and general messedupness. Keep your fingers crossed for me, I haven't liked anyone like this in at least 5 years, maybe more.

I hate Monday's

Truly, Monday's just suck, don't they? I have to get up early, the weather is yucky, all grey and blah, I'm still sick, have had a cold for about a week now, have almost no voice which works great at Starbucks when trying to call out drinks to the customers, all phlemy, just wonderful. And now for the irony of the day...
I finally meet a guy who is interesting, funny, smart (maybe even as smart as me... smarter? hm) and who didn't annoy me after seeing him everyday for a week straight. Do you have any idea how amazing that is? And the sex is good too, that's always a plus. Ok, so he smokes, that's a negative, but I've even been able to disregard that. And so then at the end of said week, I'm asking, are we just seeing eachother? Because since we are sleeping together I'd really rather just be seeing him and vice versa, it's easier and less icky and such. But then the crappy irony part kicks in. He's in "the industry", you know, the Hollywood industry and hasn't been getting steady work and not getting paid on time for work he's done and he had set himself a date to either get work or move to another state where he knows there is work waiting for him. And the date was the end of February which of course has passed and now we are dating and he even apparently told someone he was seeing, a "friend w/benefits" that he wasn't going to see her anymore because he wanted to see where our thing was going and he said that yes, he's had as great a time in the last week as me but he may have to move because the date he set has come and gone and no work still. So he said we should probably cut back on our relationship since he doesn't know if he's staying or not. I told him that we should just continue to see each other and if he ends up having to leave then that's what he has to do, it's not like we are that attached yet and I won't try to influence his decision either way, so I think that's where we left it but he's depressed and I can't blame him, the whole thing sucks, not knowing when you are going to get paid or when your next job is going to materialize but also, this so SUCKS because I actually like him and see potential with this which hasn't happend in years so yeah, I'm feeling a little bummed at the moment but again, if he has to leave then that's what he has to do, I just hope he finds work because I'd really like to keep seeing him...
Life is freaking lame sometimes.